The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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