i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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