One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
