My brain says no but my pants say off.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
