How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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