the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
