my phone needs a breathalizer
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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