I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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