shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
