at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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