is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
