i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
