I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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