Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
