so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
