The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
