tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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