Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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