My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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