someone get that fucking seahorse.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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