My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
