I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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