what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
