I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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