I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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