just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
