Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The best revenge is premature balding
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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