Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
