Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
