apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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