And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
