Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
