I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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