I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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