He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
