Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
