i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
