i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
