I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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