Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
