I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
