I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
smell my finger.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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