You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
