the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She announced her abortion via fbk
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
