Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude i'm inner monologue high
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
