everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
