i don't like sucking hair
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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