I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
