The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
