Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
