Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
