the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
