I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
